A handy guide to the venerable cookout gleaned from the bon
vivant traditions of Olde Salem and the ecclesiastical court at Rouen
The time-honored custom of witch barbecue once described the roasting
of meat for its lack of rigid adherence to conformist orthodox convention,
or at least for its featuring an appearance which could otherwise be expediently
mischaracterized as deficient in establishment rectitude. Those days are
long gone; no inhibiting culinary protocol need be observed, as the most
innocuous of game fauna will suffice as the main course for contemporary
chefs de cuisine, gourmands whose robust appetite for a hearty feast has
made them unbridled champions of the steak flambé.
The public being always fearful and/or terminally cynical about what
it does not know, the negative character of a selected repast is presumed
by virtual definition, automatically ordained without the irksome bother
of objective unbiased evaluation. Yet, despite the public's predisposition
to salivate with unfailing Pavlovian dependability at any dinner gong allegation,
witch hunt prey is rarely accommodating. Thus a successful feast relies
entirely on the quality of a chef's culinary skills. Still, anyone can
do it. And effectively imposing the "guilt" of unfounded suspicion
is especially delectable in the wholesale absence of any genuine offense.
It should go without saying that the trouble-free heart-warming glow
of a witch roast beats hell out of waiting around for some actual misdeed
to maybe transpire, especially as such delays generally entail a monumentally
frustrating endurance of time cooling one's heels until bona fide guilt
can, if ever, become indisputably proven.
Cooking up a savory grilled witch is a particularly effortless and
uncomplicated affair. For those interested in the joy of barbecue, here's
all you have to do. The recipe requires only a few simple ingredients:
1. a featured entree
2. great dollops of snake-oil allegation
3. a sprinkling of seasoned virtue
4. several heaping dashes of sanctimonious outrage
5. a jigger of bogus contrast
6. a measure of pretense to social responsibility
Step 1) PREPARE THE SELECTED MEAT FOR YOUR EPICUREAN DEFAMATION
Direct focus of public attention to the least conventional aspect of
your entree's deportment, or that which is most esoteric and abstruse,
or otherwise easily subject to wholesale misrepresentation. Concoct a distorted
interpretation of this selected particularity, to gratuitously suit your
own narrow interests, being sure to isolate all understanding of the issue
in a context thoroughly voided of any valid cognitive meaning.
Step 2) MARINATE IN BASELESS SNAKE OIL ALLEGATION
Carefully calculate a sensationalized accusatory characterization of
your meal, one guaranteed to incite a knee-jerk reactionary public response.
Ladle on a surfeit of disparaging invective, with exclusive emphasis on
the decontextualized issue, and thereby misrepresent the character of your
meat's behavior in its entirety, and as far in the extreme as the lowest
common denominator of media gullibility will allow.
Step 3) SEASON WITH A MEANINGLESS ABSTRACT PROPAGANDIST "VIRTUE"
Self-righteously wrap yourself in the flag, motherhood, apple pie,
or other sacred generalized institutional convention.
Step 4) PEPPER WITH OUTRAGED SANCTIMONY
Flavor your false "Wolf!" alarm proposition, however implausible
it may obviously be, with a crystal clear insinuation - or an outright
declaration - of a direct cause-and-effect relationship, between your main
dish's endeavors and some monumental catastrophe, like, for example, the
world coming to an immediate and painfully apocalyptic end. Be sure to
identify your entree using unambiguous words synonymous with evil incarnate,
and employ a sneering tone of sanctimonious piety in your relentless vituperation.
Step 5) GLAZE WITH PHONY "EDUCATIONAL" COMPARISON TO "PROVE"
FALSE CLAIM
Contrast the trumped-up "offensive" character you have ascribed
to your culinary masterpiece with a correspondingly invalid premise of
"common sense" probity that attends your splendidly duplicitous
show of "public-spirited" motivation. Delineate the differences
in a manner depicting each as mutually exclusive of the other, at irreconcilably
extreme odds. Basic sophistry is the prime stock, and a variety of specious
arguments are available to the clever and resourceful chef. False pretense,
for example, or irrelevant and misleading non sequitur work equally well
to form the fraudulent comparison. This transparent but reliable sham never
fails in appeal to the basic lynch-mob mentality of "popular opinion,"
the profound but typical public ignorance which invariably exists in regard
to the arcane subject matter at hand. Most important of all, remember that
the burden of proof is hereby inherently set so that your bill of fare
is compelled to provide incontrovertible evidence of "innocence"
instead of you being troubled to substantiate in the teensiest way your
sweeping allegations of "guilt."
Step 6) GARNISH WITH "SOCIALLY RESPONSIBLE" SOLUTION TO BOOGY-MAN
THREAT
Demand, in your best demagogue fashion, that demonized meat be completely
humiliated, publicly pilloried, and totally ostracized from the commonweal
(and, if possible, incarcerated or otherwise severely punished by coercive
force of law) for having failed to dogmatically observe recognized establishment
convention (or otherwise display a servile fealty to your superior being)
and promote yourself as heroic national savior of orthodox moral order.
Step 7) HEAT AND SERVE
A good roaring blaze results in the best roast, of course. The immutable
laws of thermodynamic journalism dictate that truth is entirely irrelevant,
but the best chefs are always distinguished by their quality of pyrotechnique.
Be vigilant in attending to your inflammatory rhetoric, and properly stoke
the media flame of obsessive preoccupation with spectacle and controversy,
to ensure a raging bonfire. Toss your fare rôti on the press grill,
stand back to enjoy the picturesque sparks as they fly, and voila: barbecue
witch.
Don't forget! No old fashioned witch barbecue can ever be sullied by
the curdled tincture of intellectual credibility. Notwithstanding that
the ingredients in their gourmet creations betray blatant nutrient deficiency,
the most successful chefs display total unswerving commitment to their
cookery, precisely because those with a taste for witch meat prefer the
zesty flavor of fanatical zeal to the vinegar piquancy of credible reason.
Remember too, there's no such thing as overcooked witch.
